Bad, Kind of Bad and Really Bad Fishing Jokes:
Two morons rent a boat and go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.
2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot.
1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?
I Ain’t No Fool
There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, ''Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!''
''Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!'' the redneck yelled back.
The buckeye replied, ''Hain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!''
The Phone Call
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They ... for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you
Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you! That sounds terrifiic!
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the
wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
The Trick to Ice Fishing
Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop their lines in the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.
Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro asks, "What did you say?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro again asks, "What?"
Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"
What do you get if you cross a whale with a computer?
A four ton know it all.
Why did the lobster blush?
It saw the Queen Mary's bottom
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the sea weed.
Why are fish smarter than mice?
Because they live in schools.
What fish terrorises other fish?
Jack the Kipper
What should you do if you find a shark in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.
NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH
Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent - she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"
The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.
His partner says,"Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't niver seen nobody try it.
What do you call a pike with a gun?
What do you call a Shark with a rocket launcher?
Anything he tells you to.
What do you call a deaf pike.
Anything you like he cannot hear you.
How do you stick down an envelope under the water?
With a seal.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What can fly under the water?
A bluebottle in a submarine
What has antlers and sucks your blood?
Little boy what are you fishing for?
I'm not fishing, I'm drowning worms
What do you call a neurotic octopus?
A crazy, mixed up squid.
What do you call a baby whale that never stops crying?
A little blubber
What kind of sea creature eats its victims two by two?
What side of a fish has the most scales?
What swims and is highly dangerous?
A trout with a hand grenade.
What did one sardine say to the other sardine when it saw a submarine?
There goes a can full of people.
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
What fish terrorizes other fish?
Jack the Kipper
What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room
Mother: Have you given the goldfish fresh water today?
Son: No, they haven't finished the water I gave them yesterday.
What fish are musical?
Where do ghosts swim in North America?
In Lake Erie.
Don't swim in the sea, A shark just bit off my foot!
I don't know. All sharks look the same to me.
Mummy why can't I go swimming in the sea?
Because there are sharks in the sea.
But Mummy, Daddy is swimming in the sea.
That's different he is insured.
What happened to the fishing boat that sank in piranha fish infested waters?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
What whizzes along a riverbed on three wheels?
A motor-Pike and a side-Carp.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin
Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank.
What is the best fish on ice?
Why did the trout cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.
Where do whales get weighed?
At a whaleweigh station.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
What is the best way to communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line
What is the best way of stopping a fish from smelling?
Cut off his nose.What do you call a fish with no eye?
FSH!!!! (I told you they were bad)
How do you stop a fish from smelling?
Cut it's nose off
What is the fastest fish in the sea?
What did the mummy sardine say to her children when they saw a submarine?
Don't worry, it's only a tin of people.
If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?
What did one rock pool say to the other rock pool?
Show me your mussels.
How do you kiss a pike?
What sits at the bottom of the sea and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
What has big sharp teeth, a tail, scales, and a trunk?
A pike going on holiday.
Fly-fisherman's wife: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend"
Why do they call him 'River'?
Because the biggest part of him is his mouth.
What do you get is you cross a rose with a pike?
I don't know but I wouldn't put my nose too close to smell it
Why did the salmon cross the road?
Because it was tied to the chicken.
Man: Can I have a fly rod and reel for my son?
Fishing Shop Owner: Sorry sir we don't do trades.
Why do they call him 'Fish'?
Because he cannot keep his mouth shut.
How do I avoid infection from biting insects?
That's easy - don't bite them
What is the wettest animal in the world?
What lives under the sea and carries a lot of people?
Where do you find a crab with no legs?
Exactly where you left it.
What is yellow and dangerous?
Pike infested custard.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.